It’s been awhile, so…
It’s been awhile. Sorry. Life. You know how it is. Time can be an issue… but so can ideas. I haven’t know what to post here for a while, I’ve been wanting to post but the ideas I come up with seem selfish. Like I’m chasing my own agenda, trying to poke at issues that I have and at the same time, I can’t bring myself to throw my personal life right out there in the open.
But this last weekend, Easter, has lit a fire within me again.
I watched The Passion on Friday night. I tell myself every Easter that I should watch it again and this year I managed to do it. It’s an intense movie show all the suffering that Jesus went through during those last 24 or so hours. A non-Christian friend tried to watch it with me but left half way through because it was too violent, and not in English. For me, it was a reawakening. To once again see, on film, the imagined experience of what my Lord went through was heart breaking. (I say imagined because the Bible does not describe the horrors in quite the way that the film displays it. I’m sure that some of it is more than what happened and other parts probably not enough). To think that my Lord would suffer so, for my benefit. Just to bring me closer to Him. I would say that I’m not worth what He went through, but that isn’t the way He sees it. (But, it wasn’t just for me. It was for all of us to have a closer and better relationship with Him. I’m just personalising it).
So I followed that up with a visit to Church on Sunday. I think it was my second for the year. I’ve had issues. My last visit, to the church that I’ve been attending since 2003, (regularly up to 2010 and not so regularly since) only one person recognised me. I was still welcomed and so on but no one really knew me. Last weekend wasn’t much different but I wasn’t there for me. Now, don’t feel sorry for me, it’s my own fault. You see, I’ve been hiding. I don’t go out much. As a result, I’ve lost a few friends (there are other issues here which I don’t want to get into right now). I also used to shave my head but since the cancer, looking at a bald me just reminds me that what little hair I had I lost also, so now I look different to most people because I have hair. I think the whole cancer thing has had me feeling sorry for myself and scared to have a real life in case it comes back and I have to go through all that again. So I’ve been a bit selfish and haven’t wanted to put myself out there again.
But as a Christian, it’s part of what we are called to do. It’s going to be hard changing those habits but I feel that God has called me to do just that.
That brings me back to here. A place where I can start to get back out there. Yes, I’m still at home typing this so I’m not physically out there but it’s a start. I’ve been avoiding writing. I know that it will bring up things about myself that I don’t really want to face. But I know that I can do anything that God asks me to do because He will give me the strength to do it. I haven’t lost my faith but I had lost my passion. Now, thanks to that movie, God has stirred me up and is helping me to stand again, to be passionate again… for Him.